Lamentations of an Empty Nester

 

There is nothing like spending a lot of time by yourself to really dig in and get in touch with your inner psyche. I have always prided myself on being self-aware, but I must confess delving into the deep recesses of my mind is a bit much these days. As a coping mechanism, I compartmentalize. And I  stress clean. I have bounced from folding laundry to decluttering closets to napping on the couch to quick trips to the Well-Bean or Tim Hortons for tea to read and write. My days have been set to music soundtracks that keep me company as I drive along or to fill the silences that permeate my house. 

The summer of 2022 was an odd one. My twenty-year-old's job saw her with the same week-on, week-off schedule as last year. My newly turned eighteen-year-old got a new job that kept him away from 8:00 to 5:00 pm from Monday to Friday. He also spent a lot of time out and about with his friends. As a result, I could dig in and work on my MEd coursework while they were at work or asleep. Their physical absences of these past few months did little to prepare me for the void their departure days ago has made. Our time together is something I will always cherish - whether a drive or a meal shared. Heck, I’d even take bitching at my youngest to finally clean his room over the silences that make even the drone and hum of the refrigerator sound irritating. As the years passed swiftly, so did their need for me to do everything for them. This is an aspect of motherhood I have struggled with. Seemingly overbearing at times, it is in me to be overprotective - admittedly, almost to a fault.

For close to two decades of my life, I have been known first as Emily’s and then as Emily’s and Liam’s Mom. So much has been gained through raising them. Sleepless nights (which I had been accustomed to) were exchanged with true and unconditional love. Yes, I lost pieces of myself in devoting so much of my life to them and trying to find a balance between work and my interests. (If I can be frank here, a lot of the writing I did for many years was by way of journaling in their scrapbooks or little poems or stories for them.) By the time they reached late middle school and junior high, I was able to branch out and start to delve into my interests again while keeping their needs first and foremost.

On this beautiful September 1st evening, I have spiralled away from playlists I typically listen to and have ventured down the rabbit hole that is pop music with folk and country undertones. Frankly, I rarely listen to music when I write. Yet, I was drawn to Chantal Kreviazuk’s hit song (by Canadian standards), “Time.” In 2002, the Canadian songstress collaborated with her husband and penned the following lyrics: 

“Time, where did you go?

Why did you leave me here alone?”

They have been at the back of my mind and drew me to the keyboard.

Through apostrophe, Kreviazuk addresses Time as though it were a living entity. Unlike the suggestions offered through the rest of the lyrics, time waits for no one. I could easily sit here and wax poetic for the following number of pages and lament about time’s passage. Instead, one breath at a time, I am trying to figure out how all of this will continue to unfold. The funny thing about parenting, I suppose, is that I had a life before my children were brought into this world and I continued to build and nurture one after their arrival. Hands down, they are two of my most significant accomplishments - university degrees be damned. It is now time for me to learn to let go a little at a time. One thing that will remain unchanged is how I will always be their Mom. I will continue to love them with the fierceness I am known for. However, this will now be across a physical distance. Thank God for FaceTime, text messages, and phone calls.

A parent’s journey is heartbreakingly beautiful. Though I have experienced significant losses in my life, I swear nothing prepared me for the ache in my heart at the sight of the truck’s tail lights as they faded in the distance. Admittedly, I have been crying off and on for days. I know I will be okay - just as they will. As my children continue to grow and learn away from the confines and familiarities of the comforts of home, I wish they experience success. May they be courageous in their undertakings. I pray they will continue to believe everything will work out and be brave enough to reach out when things don’t go as planned. May they continue to feel supported and loved. Time and distance will not erase that their Mother will always have their backs. I can confidently say their Dad feels the same.