Mindfulness

These words and the ones that follow have been on my mind and in my heart for a number of days now. I’ve been waiting for that opportune moment for complete calm and silence in order for the levee to break and to have them rush forth. I have been incredibly busy with work and have not had much time to sit and mull properly and completely over my writing. There is nothing like a trip to Tim Hortons in my solitude for a tea to quiet my mind. The quotation that inspired this post is one that speaks countless truths. Perhaps it came more apparent a few days ago when I sobbed my way through waterproof mascara. The tears were not necessarily solely from a place of sadness. Rather, sheer hurt and frustration and anguish is what brought me there.

Through my blog and my Facebook feed, it’s no secret that I am very much aware of my emotions and how I am impacted by them. I try my damnedest to be positive. Sometimes, my emotions are influenced by the energies of the people around me. I am embarrassed to say I have probably dropped enough swear words in recent weeks to cut a rap album.

I need to reset and to let go of negativity and toxicity. I am exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I need to look outward for a moment and ground myself. I need to focus on the good things and forces that exist in my life and in the lives of those I hold closest to me.

I am feeling grateful this morning for those who reach out to me and expect nothing in return. I have a lot of acquaintances but my circle is minuscule. Anytime I extend kindness, trust me when I say I expect nothing in return. I sure as hell would not throw it up in anybody’s face. If I expected anything, it would all be for nought. I am grateful for the good tea and conversation I shared last night. Hyper boxer cuddles were an added bonus.

Fall has been an admittedly difficult time of the year for me for decades. This year, just as the previous ones, is truly no exception. These past 358 days have offered me enough perspective alone to carry my family and me through several lifetimes. Tears of anguish, laughter, anger, and grief - we have felt them all. I am grateful for the strength of characters and love that have carried me through. And I am eternally grateful for this space that allows me to get to the root of whatever it is that plagues me or that which brings me joy.

I am many things. I laugh too loudly. I sleep too little. I am clumsy. I am passionate. I am honest to a fault. That honesty often sounds like abruptness. (If my mouth doesn’t say it, my face will.) When I make a mistake, I own it. I love endlessly and deeply. When I have someone’s back, I am there 100%. I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I am kind. I have strong morals. I am perfectly imperfect. Despite what I tell myself, I sometimes care too much about others’ opinions even though I try not to. What others say or think about me is really none of my business. I am sick and tired of the time I have spent mulling over shitty people.

My thoughts are spent; the catharsis is real.